Final Fantasy: Armaggedon
by Bezo
Summary: Twenty three quintillion years ago, a wager was made between Bahamut and Ultima about the fate of the universe and its many Final Fantasy worlds. Now, worlds are colliding, metaphorically, and Fantasies are Finally converging. It's all going down now.
1. Prologue

Final Fantasy: Armageddon

by Bezo

Twenty-three quintillion years ago, in the bar frequented by the pantheon of beings known variously as Aeons, Espers, Summon Monsters, Guardian Forces, Eidolons, and (on one regrettable occasion) Scientologeonspers, a wager was made between two of the most powerful of the aforementioned beings to have ever existed.

Bahamut bet Ultima that eventually the many worlds of Final Fantasies to come would grow too numerous and the people from them too powerful. Ultima bet Bahamut that if that happened, no one would ever try and chronicle it, due to the immense difficulty of the task. If Bahamut won the bet, Ultima would have to buy his beer for the rest of Eternity. If Ultima won, Bahamut would have to wear a silly hat, also for the rest of Eternity. Ixion joked that such an occurrence would likely destroy the universe and everyone in it, but no one understood him, because he was a horse. To their credit, they were all deeply intoxicated at the time and the wager was mostly forgotten. Twenty-three quintillion years later (which is nothing to a Scientologeonsper), they both won the bet.

Or lost it, depending on your perspective.

But this story isn't about the wager; it's about the conditions wherein the wager was won by both parties. One of these conditions is the story itself, chronicled by me, Bezo, ruler of the small and largely forgotten realm of Ultimate Whimsy. The other condition can only be found within the story itself.

It's also the story of quite a lot of other people, so do try and keep up.


	2. Chapter 1

"It's the Apocalypse!!!" a raspy voice cried out. 

"What's wrong, ya?" Wakka said, poking his head into the room from which the cry had emerged. He was balancing a blitzball on his magnificent swoop of hair.

"It's the Apocalypse," the voice said, a little more annoyed. "That means everything is wrong and things are only going to get worse."

"Did you lose your jug again, ya?" Wakka asked the voice, which turned out to belong to Auron, gruff curmudgeon and occasional jug-owner. Auron gripped Wakka firmly by the suspenders and shook vigorously.

"No, I did not lose my jug again, ya!" he shouted. "It's much, much worse than losing my jug, gods-dammit!" Noting that the blitzball was still perfectly balanced on Wakka's hair, Auron put him down.

"What is it Auron?" Rikku asked, walking into the room, hand on her hip. She was dressed in a yellow bikini with a khaki mini-skirt overtop and wore a long orange (and gradiently red) scarf. She was likely the very last person Auron wanted to see at the moment. When Rikku had first joined the party, he had a soft spot for the Al Bhed thief, but that quickly faded when she overtook the entire group in terms of power. By the time they had reached Sin, she had mastered not only the entire sphere grid, but areas of the sphere grid that were not even known to have existed, learning spells and techniques thought to be the domain of legend. Auron had other things on his mind at the moment, however.

"It's my sword, Masamune. It's frickin' legendary!"

"Celestial, ya?" Wakka added, helpfully.

"Whatever! It's gone!" Auron thumped his head rhythmically against the wall. Rikku chuckled a little at this.

"Geez, Auron, you're losing stuff left and right. Your jug, your life, your sword, that battle against that Mega Tonberry-" Auron turned around defiantly.

"I lost that battle against the Mega Tonberry because YOU cast Ultimaga on it, which bounced off and hit ME. WHERE THE HELL DID YOU LEARN ULTIMAGA?!?!?"

"I didn't know it was Reflecting," Rikku said, sticking out her tongue and ignoring his question. "Besides, we had plenty of Phoenix Downs." Wakka seemed to ponder this for a moment, while Auron struggled not to attempt to kill the girl (while knowing with absolute certainty that she would destroy whatever remained of him without even trying).

"Hey, how exactly can you use a Phoenix Down on someone that's already dead, ya? Wouldn't he just come back to life, ya?"

"'Fraid not," Rikku said, crossing her arms in thought, "I've tried everything. Phoenix Downs, Phoenix Pinions, borrowing Yuna's staff and summoning Phoenix, Life, Lifera, Lifega, even Omega-Lifeja. Nothing's bringing Auron back to the land of the living. He's dead. But that doesn't mean we don't love him." With that, she gave the curmudgeon a huge hug, breaking several of his unsent-ed ribs.

"GAH!!!" Auron said. Rikku grinned sheepishly and cast Curaja. Auron glared at her and said, "Alright, no time to waste. Let's go."

"Where, ya?"

"Uh...wherever my sword is. That's how it's done!" Auron said, and ran from the room.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a world far from Spira, two warriors competed in one of the most ancient displays of male dominance on any world: the drinking contest. 

"I win, foo'," Barret Wallace said, downing his 42nd beer of the evening. His opponent was undeterred.

"Thish contesht ish far from over," Rude said, wiping condensation from his ever-present sunglasses. "Ugh...thish ish why I never freakin' talk."

"You ain't standin' no chance, foo'" Barret said, drinking number 43, "I ain't even started yet and you're slurring speech like you Sean Connery." Barret didn't know what that meant, or who Sean Connery was, but it had sounded better in his head. A lot of things had, before beer number twenty.

"You jusht wait, shucker," Rude said. "I'm ready fo-" What he was ready for would not immediately become apparent, because he collapsed onto the table, spilling empty cans all over the floor. Presumably, if anything, he was ready for an emergency stomach pump (or at the very least a Cure3). Barret sat back and smiled, a gesture which did not come easily to him.

"I toldja I win, foo'," he said. "You jus' too drunk to realize." He called out to the only other occupant of the bar, Seventh Heaven, "Hey Spikey! Get this foo' outta here!" Cloud gave him a meaningful look and returned to writing his autobiography, 'I beat Sephiroth and saved the world and all they gave me was this lousy haircut' (Tifa had suggested the name, laughing uproariously at the time, and Cloud had gone with it just to spite her. He planned to share none of the royalties with her for her contribution). Barret either ignored the look, or was too incapacitated to acknowledge it, "Don't make me get all Knights of the Round up in here, boy." Cloud sighed.

"Barret," he said, "I know you like to do these things to prove you've still got it. Or something. But it's really getting old. Besides, the only Turk who gave you anything resembling a challenge was Elena."

"Thass true!" Barret said, laughing. "That woman can drink! Ugh...I don't feel so good, Spikey." Barret reeled in his chair, then fell face first onto the table. Though he instinctively blocked the fall with his gun-arm, all this accomplished was a short burst of machine-gun fire into Tifa's new mirror. Cloud sighed again, saved his document in Shinrasoft Wordga, and made a phone call to Tifa. She was not going to be impressed.

* * *

In another world, originally comprised of two worlds, one of which had been completely obliterated by a rather effeminate man in a thong, something rather strange happened. It wouldn't be the last time. It was only the beginning. 

A young summoner named Eiko Carol had been wandering near her adopted home of Lindblum when she happened upon a crystal, which she sensed contained an Eidolon. She nurtured the crystal and after several hours was able to summon this new Eidolon easily. She was quite amused when, while returning home, she was attacked by a Gimme Cat, a creature she was not particularly fond of. Their brief, but exciting exchange follows:

"Gimme a diamond, meow!" said the Gimme Cat.

"You want a diamond, meow?" said Eiko.

"Yes, meow. That would be sweet, meow."

"Here's your diamond, meow! DIAMOND WEAPON, MEOW!!!"

"That's a big diamond, meow."

* * *

"Selphie, will you please stop singing that song?!" 

"Train?" sang Selphie.

"Seriously, I want to junction myself unto earplugs."

"Sorry, Quistis."

"It's ok."

"Whatever," said Squall.

* * *

"Zomg! I r haxxx0red that d00d!" said a random and inappropriately-named character from the 11th world of Final Fantasy as he delivered the killing blow to a high level monster. 

"1337!" agreed one of his teammates, whose name was less inappropriate but just as random.

Unfortunately for all the denizens of this world, events had been set in motion; the wager/prophecy was being fulfilled. Before the warriors could even teabag their fallen foe, their world was annihilated by Sephiroth's Supernova attack, intended for Cloud and his friends many years previously. Sephiroth was so renowned for his power that very few people remembered that his aim was terrible (which is part of the reason he had such a long sword; he figured at that length, it was bound to hit something). It had begun.


End file.
